30-Day Film Challenge, Day 5: A Film Where a Character Has a Job You Want

I actually struggled a little with this one. For starters, I love my job. I get to teach bright young minds, read and watch movies, and analyze them. Who could ask for more?

And, let’s face it, just picking a private eye movie would be too easy.

Then it hit me. What if I could be a permanent beach bum who occasionally deep-sea dives in search of sunken treasure?

Yeah, I could do that.

Courtesy of MGM.

Before the virtual pillorying beings, let me go ahead and get this out of the way: this is not a good movie. It’s probably horrible. Plenty of Razzie nods were given for this one, and I fully concur. It’s terrible.

I also own it on Blu-Ray.

Basically, the entire pitch appears to be conceived with the some exec thinking both men and women–gay and straight–would flock to the theater. If Jessica Alba’s skimpy bikinis weren’t the flavor to titillate, then Paul Walker’s yummy bare chest would be.

And since I’ve gone out of my way in my discussion of Sin City to talk about the torch I have been carrying for Ms. Alba ever since Dark Angel, let me just go ahead and say it: Yeah, that’s the reason I watched this film in the first place. Why I re-watched it. Why I bought it.

I know, I know. I’m gross. I am fully and unequivocally against objectification of females. I also can’t help but notice beauty.

And, to be fair, it’s a shame she got typecast as the dumb girlfriend. The woman does have some acting chops. See Machete, The Killer Inside Me, The Veil, and A.C.O.D. if you don’t believe me.

The plot really doesn’t matter. Four impossibly good-looking people are put in peril, but not so much that they can’t be viewed in their swimsuits for almost the entire duration of the film. There’s a sunken ship and artifacts and also a crashed plane full of drugs.

It’s a shameless knockoff of the middling novel The Deep by Peter Benchley (Jaws) with just enough shuffled around and changed to avoid a plagiarism lawsuit. (It’s worth noting, The Deep was also adapted in 1977 starring Nick Nolte, Jacqueline Bisset and Robert Shaw, who also played the grizzled captain of the Orca in Jaws. That flick too is probably worth skipping.)

So in no way am I recommending this film. Yeah, I still watch it from time to time, despite my pedantic insistence on only watching “good” movies, or at least those that are nanar. Then again, I’m also a music snob, carefully curating my playlists to include only the best of Americana, indie rock, and underground hip-hop. Yet somehow amid the ditties by Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit, Lera Lynn, and Little Simz, Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” and Poison’s “Unskinny Bop” find their way into the rotation.

Call it a guilty pleasure.

I will say that Into the Blue has a few minor redeeming qualities.

For starters, the film itself is gorgeous. I love expansive azure oceans, palm trees, and sand. When filmed correctly, it can make for a visual smorgasbord to feast the eyes upon. That is present here.

Second, there’s a shark attack. Those who know me know my passion for shark-attack films. (Also, how big a fan of Peter Benchley is screenwriter Matt Johnson?)

Consequently, sharks just don’t regularly attack people, making the plot point even sillier. But that’s a soapbox for another time.

Finally, the film has Jessica Alba. I may have mentioned that before, but it’s pertinent.

I mean, hell, I once watched a Dane Cook film because she was in it.

Courtesy 20th Century Studios

Yet again, would not recommend.

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